The War Within: What Do You Really Want?

The War Between Wants

We all have a lot of wants, desires, and goals, but sometimes those wants and desires are at war with one another, leaving us frustrated, confused, or, at best, making very slow progress towards those goals.

Seneca, a stoic philosopher, tells us that “Our circumstances deceive us… We desire the opposite of what we once desired. Our prayers are at war with our prayers, and our plans are at war with our plans.”

Ryan Holiday adds to this by saying that each individual is dealing with an internal war between the good and bad parts of their soul.

Essentially, we’re all constantly juggling conflicting desires. 

We can sift through this conflict and frustration by asking ourselves…

What do I really want?

What am I actually after?

What Do I Really Want?

I want to be trusted.

I want to leave a legacy.

I want to teach and lead.

I want freedom from need.

But at the same time, I want to be needed.

…or do I just want to be loved—to be valued?

How can I want to be needed but also want to be free from needing anything myself?

And am I even I willing to do what is needed?

With Great Need Comes Great Responsibility

Peter Parker was advised by his uncle that “with great power comes great responsibility.” 

Though Uncle Ben was likely alluding to the responsibility of not exploiting one’s power or using it for wrong, we can also take this as a reminder that what we desire usually comes with more than we asked.

In other words, if you want to be needed, you better be ready to suffice those needs… or at least do your best to try.

So, I guess the Uncle Tyler version of the quote goes something like, “With great need comes great responsibility.”

I’ll workshop it.

Power, Love, and the Weight of Leadership

Seneca touches on responsibility similarly when advising the newly appointed young Emperor of Rome, Nero. He says, “Power is entrusted to you for the benefit of those whom you govern.”

Seneca’s point is that, as a leader, you don’t own power—it’s loaned to you by the people. A leader is not above the people, but rather in service to them. The power given to him/her comes with trust that he/she will fulfill that power with empathy and intention. 

The same goes for need. I don’t own the needs or love of others, but if it is shared with me and I wish to keep it, then I have a responsibility to serve those who are giving me that love. 

Love vs. Need

Is that what I want?

Do I actually want to be needed, or do I really want to be loved?

It depends on the person.

Need speaks to a means to an end: needing one’s help, guidance, resources, among other things

Love speaks to a different kind of need.

To love someone is to need them more than you need what they have.

To love someone is to need who they are on the inside.

To give love back is to give what you have inside, even if it is nothing more than effort and trust.

Love does not need love back but requires effort and trust to stick around.

Trust that you will continue to try. If you lose their trust, they will let go of their love.

Acknowledge their needs, fulfill their trust, and you’ll keep their love.

Do that for long enough, and you’ll leave a legacy, whether it be your genetics, your teachings, or simply your love.

This is really what Uncle Ben and Seneca were saying. You have a responsibility to put in the effort. If you want to be needed or loved but don’t try to fulfill the responsibility that comes with those needs, you might lose it.

So, I guess what I really want is both…

I want to be needed without love, and I want to be loved so hard that I am needed.

I want to be trusted as a leader.

I want to my legacy to be loved.

The Truth About Need

I don’t actually want to be free from the need for more, but rather, free from needing more of the outside.

Realistically, it is not possible to free from need.

As humans, “needing” is biologically programmed as a tactic for survival.

Needing is striving for more.

Needing is living—surviving. 

To survive means to need food, shelter, clothing, money… the “outside” stuff.

If you’re lucky, then eventually, you will have enough to survive and stay healthy.

More On The Inside

Is it okay to want more, even then?

Is it okay to want more than just to survive, but to thrive?

For me, thriving means having more love, trust, purpose, and freedom… the “inside” stuff.

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Once we are safe, our need for “more” shifts from outside to inside.

With that in mind, I think it is okay to need more.

Realize, though, that you’ll always want more from the outside and more from others unless you find more on the inside first.

Freedom from needing more is found after you learn to love, trust, lead, and need yourself.