What Money Can’t Buy: My Search for Real Safety

Recently, one of my mentors asked me a question that stopped me in my tracks: “What do you need to feel safe?”

The conversation started with me explaining to him how much I desperately want to make enough money so I can feel safe—and so my fiancé can feel safe too. At the same time, I confessed that I don’t like how much I focus on money, how often it occupies my mind. That’s when he asked, “What do you need to feel safe?”

It’s a great question. One I’ll answer here shortly.

But first, I need to define safety. 

What am I really trying to protect myself from?

What do I *think* I need safety from?

Safety is formally defined as “the condition of being safe from hurt, injury, or loss.”

So… what hurt, injury, or loss am I trying to avoid?

Here’s what I believe I’m trying to gain safety from by having more money:

• The loss of happiness. With less money, I won’t be able to buy the things I want. And having fewer things feels like being less happy.

• The loss of security. With less money, I might lose access to necessities like a roof over my head, food, clothing, or warmth.

• An injury to my ego. With less money, I worry I’ll be seen as a failure, less successful, or not trustworthy in my craft.

• Loss of attraction or respect. With less money, I fear my fiancé, friends, or colleagues might be less drawn to me.

• A lack of progress. To me, more money equals growth, and growth equals success. Without it, I’d feel like my business—or this whole entrepreneur thing—isn’t working.

Now, I recognize that some (or all) of these fears might not hold up under scrutiny. But they’re real in my mind. Or at least they were. They’re the truths I’ve been carrying - the thoughts fueling my drive for more money.

So, those are the fears I believe money protects me from.

But what if I couldn’t use “more money” to find safety? What else would I need to feel truly safe?

Here’s what I’ve come up with:

1. Purpose

I need to feel like I’m actively fulfilling my purpose. Whether it’s building something, creating something, or solving a problem that aligns with my strengths, being deeply engaged in meaningful work makes me feel safe.

When I lack a sense of purpose—or feel like I’m not actively aligned with it—I get restless. I start searching for something to fill the void. In the past, that search often led to quick fixes like nicotine, alcohol, or intense physical pursuits like ultrarunning. These distractions provided temporary pleasure and masked the insecurity I felt from not having (or feeling like I had) safety.

The lesson I need to remember is this: I am aligned with my purpose, even when I’m not actively working on it. Sometimes doing nothing is just as important. Resting, thinking, and recovering not only support my purpose but also allow me to be present with my family. Being a husband and father will always be one of the most important purposes in my life.

2. Support

There’s immense power in knowing you have people in your corner—people who understand what you’re going through and where you want to go.

Support means having someone to lean on when things get tough or overwhelming, someone to ask questions when I feel stuck, or someone to simply listen when I need to share. It’s also about having people who’ll play, laugh, and escape with me when I need a break. Most importantly, it’s about knowing there are people who genuinely care about me and want to see me succeed.

3. Being Valued

I need to know that who I am—and what I have to offer—matters. That my purpose, my craft, and my efforts are significant to someone. Knowing that I play an important role in someone’s well-being or in the growth of something bigger than myself gives me a deep sense of security.

4. A Plan for Tomorrow

Safety means knowing that I have a plan in place to provide for the basic needs of my family and myself.

This ties back to purpose because having a project or goal creates momentum. That momentum generates the resources I need to ensure we’re secure tomorrow. When I feel confident that tomorrow will be okay, I can focus on today.

—

For years, money has been such a dominant force in my mind and ambitions that it’s hard to imagine safety and well-being without it.

When someone asks how I’m doing, my answer often depends on how much money I’m making at that moment. If business is booming, I’ll answer with confidence and positivity. If it’s slow, I feel hesitant, even negative.

Why? Well that’s a question that I’ll ponder in-depth on another day

I’m sure some of the drive comes from watching my parents hustle so hard to maintain safety for our family. Tough times that challenged that financial security and booming times that fueled happiness and freedom. 

In part it’s because Courtney and I started our careers making a lot of money. As contract health care workers, we were “swimming in it” for 4-5 years. It gave us a sense of safety: no worries about groceries, emergencies, or having fun. We could buy what we wanted, when we wanted. That abundance became both an addiction and a safety net.

….But here’s the truth: more money will always mean more.

The goalposts will keep moving.

The desire will never be fully satisfied.

The safety I’m looking for isn’t in money.

It’s hidden inside me.

It’s in the life I’ve already built.

It’s in the experiences I’ve had—and the ones still to come.

It’s in the people I love and who love me back.

I thought I’d feel safe when I made more money.

In reality, I feel the safest when I’m free from needing more money.

What about you?